Oh Joy =/

Depression. Yeah it hurts, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not even sure though if this is really depression... but all I can say is out of all the emotions I'm feeling right now... happines, is not among them. You know I kind of knew in the back of my mind this day would come, just cause I knew, I know he could and can do better than me. I'm actually surprised at how long it lasted. I mean 6 months... wow. But you know, I was really hoping this would be it. After breaking up with John, Tommy seemed like the answer to all my problems, the one I was looking for. Either he really was at first, or he was just a hell of a good actor. Our first 3 months together, were the happiest. After that... it just went down hill. The hurtful things he'd say to me, making me feel like the stupidest person that ever walked on the face of this earth. he kept tearing me down, with little build up afterwards. But even with all the freedom he'd take from me, and the hurtful comments, I still loved him. Why is that so hard to believe? I look back now and wonder why I didn't end it earlier. But when the tears start their decent down my cheek I remember his animated smile, his tender kiss, and his gentle touch. I loved him for him. Not for what he did or didn't do. But apparently his love did not thrive as well as mine. When he said his last words that would crush my world I so protected, there was so much lack of concern or cosideration that I was taken aback. After 6 months, this is all I get? The thing that bothers me the most is his coldness. His "life-altering experience" obviously did not involve me. Whatever that really was. I asked about his proposel he offered to me not once but twice, and his answer- "It was a mistake." Oh how that crushed me. I look back now and wonder, what out of all the things he told me, were actually true? What were the lies? Normally I'm pretty good at reading people but I couldn't read him. I now know why... my emotions were involved. I saw what I wanted to see, not what was really there. I once looked him in the eyes and told him he was good person. But now, I'm not so sure I was right. If he really was a good person, why would he say such things to the person he so supposidly loved? If he was a good person, why did he take such actions that he knew would hurt people? If he was a good person, why did he lie delibertly? Good people from time to time do these things, but good people regret and feel guilt. Him however, I'm not so sure. I probably will look back upon this and laugh, and think it silly to have reacted to such a small event in my life. But until that day comes I am deeply hurt. I am aware that this is but a paragraph, maybe a page in my book. But what keep me going is the fact that the rest is still unwritten. =]