Saved

torn by love

held by responsibility

longing for a new chapter 

in the story i don’t quite understand

stuck in waiting

unknown future

my trust in you never waivers

but my patience falters

hope in love

bound by grace

saved  

¿Porque?

Why do I so desperately want the one thing that seems to always fail me? In my past it has never worked out. And yet, I want nothing else but to give it freely with the hope that it will be returned in kind. They say that the definition of insanity is to “do the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.” I better check the dictionary because my picture must be next to this particular word. And you know, I thought to love someone, you would in turn bear fruit of your own. However, instead I seem to bear only the thorns of consequence. I suppose my judgment or taste could be the cause of this, but honestly I can’t control who I love. I’m not sure I’d want to either...Trey Parker and Matt Stone once wrote “Love isn’t a decision. It’s a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.” Every time I reminisce about my past relationships I can’t help but to remember the pain and hardship I suffered afterwards. I have been told that I love too much and too soon. But this the way I think love should be. Love is trust. I love that person so much that I trust they will try their hardest to not let me down or hurt me in anyway. I have learned that everyone will hurt you, intentionally or not. You have to find the person worth suffering for. This has been a hard thing for me to do. My heart seems to play tricks with me, tricks I don’t very much appreciate. I sometimes wish that I could be satisfied with the offers I’ve had here locally. People tell me, “give them a chance!” But why would I give that person hope that I may be interested, when in my heart I know I’m not. I can’t do that. I don’t play with people’s emotions. It’s either yes or no, period. I am very straightforward in that aspect. I wish others would be as well. So why? Why do I want to be in love again? I guess it’s human nature to want to be loved. Right now, I can do nothing but write about my predicament. I feel so helpless when it comes to this. I guess I’ll just see what happens.

Time

you can count on me

i will always be around

i am consistent

i never stop

when things get rough

or when

things are in your favor

i keep going

some say i go at a fast pace

while others

say i don’t go fast enough

nevertheless i keep going

same even pace

here before you

and will be here long after

sixty seconds per minute

sixty minutes per hour

twenty-four hours in a day

seven days a week

every week

you can count on me

Scarred, Beautiful, and Stronger than Ever

the human is a canvas.

a big white canvas at birth

through life we create an image on this canvas

it’s not perfect

there are many mistakes

but it’s beautiful

then there’s a time in one’s life

where

someone rips a little end

then another

and another

soon the canvas is tattered

but little

by little

we try to fix what other’s have done

in the end we have a canvas

scarred

beautiful

and stronger than ever

Feelings

What is the one thing you cannot control about yourself? Think about it. You can change your appearance. You can alter your actions. Hide your responses. Choose your future. But what do you absolutely have no control over what-so-ever. No matter how hard you try, you fail every time.

Feelings.

It seems so obvious yet, I just recently came to this conclusion of unreachable management. It makes no difference on how you reason with yourself, or try to think logically. Logic? Forget it. With emotions involved, there is none. Brain out the window. Talk about unpredictable. You may find yourself having feelings for someone you'd least expect to. Then asking the question, "How the hell did that happen?" Or despite the fact that you thought something would never bother you. When it happens, it's a totally different story.

Feelings.

They add confusion to an already complicated life. Jealousy, envy, hate, sadness are all results from this one little word. It's not fun to be hurt.

However with it comes love, happiness, joy, compassion as well. But this only adds to the confusion. How do you stop loving someone over night? Feelings aren't a switch you can just flip on and off as you wish.

Feelings

are not always mutual. You may love someone, but they don't love you back. Or you two may share love, but one is intimate while the other is brotherly. Neither side can be satisfied. There are infinite levels of each emotion. It's ridiculous and tiring.

However, think of a world without them. Can you? Maybe that's what defines us are humans, individuals. Without emotions, nothing would matter. Would there be any difference between us or the robots we've created.

Feelings

may have the best of me in this point of my life. But I appreciate them. I have a bitter-sweet relationship with my feelings. They have made me the happiest girl alive and have made me think twice about living. Without them, I wouldn't be me. They help define me. And currently are helping me figure out just who I really am.

So when your feelings are making your life complicated, just remember that we each feel for a reason. You wouldn't be going through this trial in your life unless there was something to gain from it. Whether you're learning something about yourself or are just learning a lesson for later. You're growing and turning into the person you want, and were meant to be. It'll be ok. Promise.

One Day

one day, things will go in my favor

one day, I’ll take over

one day, I won’t think twice

one day, I’ll make the choice

one day, my voice will be heard

one day, I won’t have to pretend

or act

one day, I’ll be seen, as who I really am, not what

one day.

I like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly

Sooooo Fireflies is the most amazing song ever!! If you haven't listened to it yet...look it up, Fireflies - Owl City. = Amazing!! =O Haha anways...so yeah it's been awhile...again XD hahaha apparently I'm not so good with keeping up with this whole blog thing, but you know...I'm trying =] I don't really have a specific topic for this post...I'm just going to write kk? So I'm doing pretty good. I'm not on my happiness high like I was a couple of weeks ago, but that's ok. I'm not depressed, and that's all that really matters. I still can't find a job...=/ that really sucks cause I'm broke, and don't like that feeling. I just applied at the movie theater where Dani works, so hopefully they'll at least consider hiring me. This year is going by soooo quickly it's crazy! I mean the next thing I'll know tomorrow I'll be graduating =O scary thought... haha So I think that I really do want to go through the photography route. That would be uber fun! I just hope I'll be able to have a steady income...but that's another story. =P You know I think I'm going backwards the emotional area of my life, which isn't good. I can't stop thinking about that jerk. I wish there was a way to control my thoughts and where they lead. Until there is...I guess I have to deal with him being in my head. Grrr...oh well. Homecoming is this weekend! I'm so stoked! It should be fun =] Anways I'm gonna go now...but thanks. For what? I don't know... but thanks anways =]